What now...?

Good morning. It's very early, but I couldn't sleep. Insomnia tends to do that to you.
So, I haven't really written on here in a while. Sorry.
Let's go back to my last post. I was still head over heals for him, even though so much had happened. I felt like I should have been hating him, but I couldn't seem to let go.
My friends were very helpful to me during this whole thing. They were helping me to let go. And it really did help. Plus, the things that he was doing made me really want to let go. For me, letting go isn't something you can just, you know, do. I have to want to let go in order to actually do it. None of my friends knew, but I always still just had that little bit of hope in me that something would turn around and life would go back to before the Christmas break. They all thought I hated him and that there was no way of me liking him ever again.

They were wrong.
Actually, so was I.

Everyone thought that was the end... My last straw you could say. As a matter of fact, I did too. He went away sick for a week and through that time, it really did help me to let go, for good. But he came back from being sick a few days ago... And that was when I really knew, I didn't let go. I watched him flirt with my friends. That hurt. Really bad. It was like a total slap in the face.

But here's where it gets good...
I was talking to him a few nights ago and he said something that I didn't really understand at the time. This by the way, was one of the first times that we had talked in about 2 or 3 weeks. I was saying to him that we should just pretend that it never happened. But then he said, "we can't, and it would be awkward not liking each other."
What? I didn't quite know how to take that. did that mean that he likes me again? And that the only way that would work to communicate would be to like each other again? Or did it mean that he didn't want any communication with me at all? I would soon find out.

Yesterday, it was normal. We ignored each other at school, pretending that we had never even talked the night before. Typical. Then, my friend comes in the class and tells me that she was talking to him in the hall... About what? Me. She claims that he still likes me. But I can't really believe her can I? Like, everything he's done, it makes it pretty clear that he's done with me.
As the bell rang, we walked out the back doors, I didn't know if it was just me, but it looked like he was purposely walking slow so that I would catch up to him. Hmm. He held the door open, and I did too. Our hand almost touched. But really, like anything could ever happen between us again. As we turned around one corner of the school he starts beating up his friends (playfully, I think). He only does that to show off. It's cute. Sort of. So, I just kept walking, then I eventually had to pass him. So I punched him lightly in the stomach. Contact. Let's see what happens... Nothing. Okay? So I continued on to the front of the school, hugged all my friends goodbye for the long weekend, this was all at the same time that he was throwing my friend to the ground... Yes, she is a girl. So I left. And I went home. Logged onto msn. He did too. So I started a conversation.

Me: I think we made some progress today.
Him: You think so?
Me: Yes! We came in contact! I'm punched you!
Him: I prefer hugs, but you were on Steve the whole day.
Me: I hug him because he my best friend. And I'll remember the hug comment next time I go to punch you.

Blah blah blah.

Him: I hate school, I liked it better when we were closer.
Me: Closer?
Him: Yeah.
Me: Closer friends you mean right?
Him: Not really.

Whoa. What the hell!? He's so damn confusing! Like, honestly, pick a side! Like me or don't.

Then later on in the conversation, he pretty much said straight up that he never stopped liking me. And what do I do? I turn to goo and fall for him... AGAIN!

I don't know what I'm going to do. Honestly, I've never really gotten over him either, but I just don't know how much more pain I'll be able to with stand. If I do end up falling hard again, I just wish he'd let me down gently. He has two very different sides. Dick and completely amazing guy.

The game that he plays is confusing, but somehow, I'm able to follow. Maybe hard ball is the way to play. If only I knew how. Haha.

So anyway, lets see what happens. I'm not going to set my standards high, because they'll just get crushed in a second. I'll make it through whatever happens this time. I hope.

- flirtygirl. ( L ) xx.

Always Me.

I'm so mad at myself right now. I'm too god damn remorsefull!
I'm always the one that ends up saying sorry in the end for something I never even did. He just told me that the reason that he "randomly" stopped liking me was my fault. Of course, everything's my fault. It's always my fault. AND THEN! Then, he tells me that he doesn't give a shit anymore. Owch, another stab in the chest. Like, how am I upposed to take that?
I don't think that he understands why I was mad at him though (when we came back to school) because I think thats why he stopped liking me.
I was mad at him because I was told that he went and got a girlfriend when I thought he still liked me, even though that (apparently) wasn't true. And then I was mad because I heard rumours that him liking me was all a joke. I know it doesn't sound like much, but if you think about it from my perspective then it's totally different. Can you imagine if the person that you really really liked suddenly got a girlfriend/boyfriend and you knew nothing about it and he/she never said anything to you? And can you imagine how it would feel if you found out that the guy/girl that liked you only did it for a joke with his/her friends? Who knows, it may not seem like much to you, but to me, well, it just seems like I'm the only one in the world who knows about anything that's going on.
If he reads this, then maybe he could figure out why I was so mad and such a bitch. I don't really know what'd going to happen next but I don't think it can get much worse from here.
I'm not asking for anything from anyone, I'm just venting, because that's what this blog is for.
Life can suck sometimes, in many different ways.
I guess you could explain it like a pile of laundry. You keep throwing pieces of laundry in the pile but it never seems to make it's way down to the washer and dryer. The pile keeps getting bigger and bigger and harder to move. One day, the pile will get so big that it's unable to be moved. My pile is getting pretty darn big. I just wish it would go away.
It's probably a stupid way to explain it, but I don't know another way I can.
All of my friends are just telling me, don't think about the bad stuff, think about the good stuff, but they just don't get it.
I hate it when people tell me how to live. They aren't living a day in my shoes, so how would they know?
Anyway, I'm going to go, dinner soon, then one of my bestfriend's is coming over. Bye,
flirtygirl. ( L ) xx.

Friends? Apparently not.

Have you ever had one of those friends that you think you can trust with anything? One that you thought wouldn't turn on you no matter what? One to not laugh at you when all the rest are laughing? Yeah, well I have many friends that I can trust and depend on for many things, but two suddenly showed me a very different side of them that I had never seen before. These two guys are (were) amazing and great friends. But as soon as shit happens with "him", they totally don't even care if they're doing anything to hurt me at all. They're just his little followers. They sit and laugh. Purposly knowing hat I know they're doing it. They do things along with him to get on my nerves.
Urgh! The one person hurts me the most. He and I were really close and all he does now, is obey "him". They've all turned into such dicks. They sit in class today laughing at me. I just wanted to scream, "FUCK OFF!" but I thought twice. It probably wasn't the best time for that.
They seriously don't get it, none of them do. They think it's just some harmless teasing going on right? Well they haven't been through it all as many times, and as many hard times like me. I must have a sign on me saying "I'm an easy target" or something. Because they all seem to aim at me.
Well, now that I've lost two friends and lost "him", it just makes life great.
flirtygirl. ( L ) xx.

'Its Never Enough...'

I'm so sick of pretending everything's okay.

Grrness.

So first, today sucked.
Second, this girl is pissing the hell out of me!
She thinks that she's the queen of the whole world and that she knows everything. She starts drama and makes everyone feel like total shit.
She doesn't understand half the things that we talk about though. She evesdrops and then puts in her word on what she thinks of the situation. If we wanted her to know what we were talking about, we would have told her right? Yes.
I'm seriously that last person to talk shit about other people, I don't like doing it, trust me, but she's driving me up the wall!
Argh. Today was hell.
I wish he had of come to school, that was another thing that made the day suckish.
Anyway, me and my best friend are moving ot Australia because we don't like snowstorms. Especially walking to school in them. Barf!
Well, Toodles.
flirtygirl. ( L ) xx.

Confused.

So, I am so very extremely comfused right now. You know how I said all of that stuff about "him"? Well, aparently none of it is true. Yikes, right?
I also just recently found out that him liking me was all a joke. I don't think I should believe all these things I'm hearing, but I still listen to what people have to say. That's their problem if they want to spend their time spreading rumours about other people just to hurt someone. Yes, rumour spreader... You know who you are.
So, I can't believe through everything, and all the tears I've cried, that I'm the one that is apologizing.
To you, meaning "him", I am sorry. I was a bitch when I didn't even have my facts straight. I hope you can forgive me.
I just wish I could rewind to December 18th. That day was amazing.
Everything was perfect and I took it all for granted. I just wish I could go back to those days and savour every single second of it.
I hope we can figure out a way to forget everything that's involved with all these rumours. It's just added drama.
I'm sorry. Truely.
flirty girl. ( L ) xx.

I Love New York. School, Not So Much.

New York is honestly an amazing place. Everyone's smiling as they're driving down the street in their cars or as they're making their way down the sidewake, whistleing away like nobody's watching. It's great. I love New York.

So, I went there yesterday, drove back today. It was nice. I only came back with two shirts though! So unlike me.

Anyways, school's tomorrow. Mixed emotions about that. I want to go back to see everyone... Well, not everyone. That's where the other emotion kicks in. I'm terrified to face him, walk past him, look at him, talk to him, just anything to do with him is terrifying me right now. Ahh.

So anyhoo, today when we were back in Niagra Falls, we went and ate lunch at Mic n' Angelo's. Yum, I love Italian food. On with the story, my waitress and all the other people who worked there were all gathered by the kitchen like staring at me. And I mean staring. Like, they had no fear of me seeing them saring at me. I was like, "Mom, is something on my face?" She told me that I looked fine. So then, this middle aged woman with a cell phone in her hand and a brown haired ponytale came over to our booth. She said, "Oh my gosh! This is crazy! You look exactly like my daughter!" I was sitting there like, wtf? Then she pulled up a on her cell phone of this girl who looked almost identical to me. I was like "Oh my gosh!" So then, she started like taking pictures of me with her cell phone from all different angles to show her daughter when she got home. It was so extremely awkward.
Toodles. ( L ) xx.

New year! :)

So, the New Year has finally come around. This is the time of year where people dedicate themselves to silly resolutions, stick to them for about a month and then give up on what they've started.
Me, well, I don't normally make resolutions, but this year... Well, this year's different, so I decided to give it a shot for once. The funny thing with the resolution I made is that it's sort of out of my control. In a way.
I decided that I'm not going to plan out everything in my head like it's a fairytale world. I always do that, which is pretty stupid because I just set myself up for disappointment.
My original resolution was to not fall for a guy that will never feel the same way. But then I realized, that's even more out of my control then the one I'm sticking to now is.
So, I'm not quite sure how long I'll be able to stick to this, but I'll try... And that's all that counts, right?
Toodles for now. ( L ) xx.